Meh...

Didn't managed to make myself get up early today.
*sigh*

Of course, the eating is totally on track, so I can't be too upset with myself. If I'm successfully making *one* change, I should be good with that. Still, I need the exercise.
*sigh*

I tried to explain how I'm feeling to 'Yote tonight before he drove me to work. Just...wrung out.
Part of that was having to tell a dear friend that I couldn't afford the trip to Alabama for her wedding. I hated disappointing her (and she took it incredibly well). But it took a lot out of me, just coming to the decision (particularly since it involved sorting out all the medical bills I've amassed from the kidney stone and trying to make heads or tails of who is owed what, on top of getting the bills together that have to be paid on today's paycheck). Facing and dealing with finances is probably my least favorite thing in the world. Quite possibly because there is math involved, but more because it involves limits and having to say no to myself and those I love. I've *never* been good at that. We'll be okay - we've got everything important covered. Just tighter than I like (and it means I can't splurge on Alexander's birthday present like I wanted to, either...sigh).

So, there's that vague stress going on (not severe, and I'm not worried, but just being aware has me tense). And of course, my empathy is in high gear, so I'm picking up on everyone else's worries, and having trouble differentiating between what's mine and what isn't. I usually "have enough" for everyone else (and before anyone starts - I *like* it that way, being able to Pay Attention makes me feel alive and useful and I wouldn't trade it for anything), but when I have my own stuff going on - even if it's not anything catastrophic - I get worn down way too easily. And unfortunately, sometimes people take it wrong. *sigh*

This is when that whole "I need to learn to shield" and "But I don't want to shield because I'm afraid I won't be able to Pay Attention and *feel* the way I want to" internal argument happens. There's a balance there, but I've yet to find it. The fact is, when I get overwhelmed I wall off anyway (or I just sleep a lot). Balance. Definitely need to work on balance.

Not that any of that has anything to do with *this* blog, except that a) I'm pretty pleased with myself that I haven't started stress eating, and b) being worn down in spirit makes me more tired on the physical plane, thus making getting up early to exercise pretty rough.

So - lesson for the week ahead?
Balance. Find it.
*nods*