FWIW...

On Friday, May 1, 2009 - I will weigh myself, and begin again.

Enough wallowing and self-flaggelation.
So I couldn't manage more than 2 whole weeks on Weight Watchers.
Fact is, I've got the tools (and I couldn't afford to keep paying their fees anyway).

Put on your big-girl panties and get over yourself, Euphrates.

If Crystal can do this, you fucking better believe you can, too.
Dammit. *footstomp*

Plan?
Common sense, I guess.

Cut out sugary pop at work (and stay away from the vending machine).
Lots of salads and veggies.
Pay attention to portions (particularly when eating things like pasta).
Choose whole grains over "white carbs"
Drink tons of water.
EXERCISE! Get out walking, if nothing else.

Well...I did it. :)

I just got back from my first Weight Watchers Meeting in 18 years (I was a member twice before...during my last 2 pregnancies...which worked really well to keep me healthy while pregnant, but then I stopped after the babies were born, and...um...yeah...). *sheepish look*

Considering the fact that yesterday all I really wanted to do was lose myself in a package of Double-Stuff Oreos...I'm really proud of myself that I actually went. Here's to the first step towards taking care of *ME* for a change. Now comes the hard part...doing it day by day. But being healthy so I can have a long and happy life with the people I love? (And being able to get pretty clothes and feel good wearing them?) Totally worth it.

Slinks back into the room, tail between legs...

Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. See...I'm not beating myself up. Not *really* anyway. I made a conscious decision to not worry about things over the holidays, so I didn't. Ate what I wanted. Had I at least paid attention to portions, I'd feel better about it, but it is what it is. I've been "off plan" for a while. And re-evaluating.

*sigh*

Part of me says I should just let it go, not worry...my loves love me just as I am, so I should make peace with my body as it is, and get over it. Enjoy life. Take big bites.

And part of me still wants to be able to buy clothes off the rack, and be able to feel good enough about my body to show it off in things from Victoria Secret and wear all those incredibly sexy slinky things that just don't come in my size (and yes, I know there's plenty out there that *is* in my size...but the stuff I like tends to not be included).

The fact is, I should be able to combine the two sides of my brain. Because there's no reason to put off living or being happy with myself until I "do XYZ", whatever XYZ happens to be. But there are self-esteem/body-image/sexual-identity things all tied up in my size and my body that makes it tough.

*heavy sigh*

SO. I'm considering Weight Watchers. I have several friends who are doing really well on it, they have a lower-carb option now (at least they did when I was checking it out last year), I've done it before and it worked for keeping me healthy anyway (in both cases I was pregnant - I stayed healthy and actually lost weight through the pregnancies - meaning I *didn't* gain weight even though the baby was, and trust me, those were BIG babies - but after baby was born I stopped going and stopped taking care of myself, and of course gained it all back and then some). I'd considered doing just the online option last year...but I'm thinking maybe if I go to actual meetings it would be more motivating. So, I'm considering. I found the closest meeting spot, and they have morning meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My loves are willing to eat healthy meals with me (they were AWESOME sports about trying new stuff when I was on plan before, and I definitely find if I can experiment with new recipes I'm more motivated to stay "on plan").

The bigger issue - honestly - is that if I'm going to do this, I need to do it all the way. Make a REAL lifestyle change. Get off the couch (okay...get off the computer chair), and make exercise a part of my daily life. Which I don't know if I can do without some kind of goal like a marathon...but I don't know that I want to commit to something that huge right now. When I was training for Disney, I got to the point where walking was JOY, going to the gym was fun (and meditative), and I felt *fit*(even if I wasn't "thin")...and that's what I want. To feel *fit* again. So I need to make some decisions and make a committment if I'm going to do this. And figure out what I can do that will actually fit with my schedule and lifestyle as it is (because there are things I'm not willing to change...like getting enough time with my loves and my kids).

Pondering is.
Wisdom/advice/thoughts/ideas/feedback actively encouraged (cross-posting to my LJ to make it easier for folks to comment).

Back in the Saddle...

So I had a bit of a tumble off the wagon this weekend.
We had company from out of town, and ended up eating out 3 times, and we rarely eat out at all these days. I could have made better choices.
First time, I had a "goetta and cheese omelette"...and goetta has barley in it. And I ate the toast, which I should have skipped.
Next day I didn't take my chicken philly hoagie off the bread. And I ate the chips that came with it.
NEXT day I didn't take my "Tommy" (roast beef samwich from Izzy's) off the bread, and I ate the potato cake (like I could have POSSIBLY resisted).
Oh, and can't forget the Chinese food we treated ourselves with Sunday night (having discovered that car dealerships aren't open on Sundays in Cincinnati...so the car buying was a total fail, but we DID make it up to the Hustler Store in Butler County, which was TOTAL win). Chinese food = lo mein in my world. No exceptions. Plus crab rangoon. Yes, it's a rule. Yes, Chinese food is my major weakness, and the *primary* temptation/thing I miss when I'm low-carbing. Since I'd already fallen, figured I should indulge while the opportunity was there. And OH MY it was yummy. :)
Of course, we hadn't made any salad since we didn't cook at home, so I had nothing to bring in to work. Enter vending machine hell. *headdesk*
Two days running. *headdesk again*
Then this morning, I was lonely ('Yote wasn't feeling well and went to bed early) and depressed. Bowl of ice cream with Nutella heated up and drizzled on top. Yeah, THAT was productive.

Got up tonight, and braved the scale. Only 1 lb up from the 233 I'd been at the last time I weighed myself. Not NEARLY the disaster I expected. I can handle that.

So, I'm back on the wagon (no salad to bring tonight still, but I brought my slimfast, and I intend to stay AWAY from the vending machines of DOOM).
Stubbed my toe, but I can pick myself up from this. I CAN do this.

Meh...

Outback on Saturday was WONDERFULLY yummy.
But, I caved and had some of the bloomin' onion.
Now, I didn't eat a LOT of it. With three of us nibbling, we still brought half the thing home (and 'Yote only conquered it last night). But it *was* breaded. And fried (not that that's a big deal doing low carb). I also had the tilapia (yummy) with crab meat stuffing (? didn't SEE anything that looked like bread crumbs or carby stuff) and crab meat flakes, and grilled asparagus (OMG the yum!). And a huge salad.

Basically, I over-ate. And I ate the first non-veggie carbs I've had since September.
And the next day, I was HUNGRY. I kept grazing through the fridge - not eating anything "offplan", but definitely eating more than I usually do in a day.

So, since I'd had no sleep, I waited and did my weigh in tonight when I got up for work (after sleeping a good 13 hours, minus a little break in the middle - thanks Beloved *grin*).

Up 3 pounds.
Crap.

Note - not screaming, not crying, not shaking my fist at the sky or beating myself up. Particularly since I'm feeling a little bloated, so I'm suspecting too much salt intake which results in water retention.

But still.
Crap.

Hopefully by next weekend it will look better (but we have company coming for the weekend, so it may be a challenge - need to watch what I'm doing and write everything down, methinks).

Back to putting one foot in front of the other.
*sigh*

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!

I didn't weigh in on the first, since Sunday (my usual official weigh in day) was the 2nd...so I waited until I got up today.

230 lbs baby! *does happy dance*

I didn't think I'd get down to that by the end of the month, considering how long I was stalled out. :) And no, I didn't do anything special to make it happen - no starvation, no silly tricks. Although there *was* one day I wasn't feeling all that well and didn't eat much (but that happened to all three of us, we apparently had some minor bug that lasted 2 days, nothing horrible, just mostly a tummy ache).

So YAY! That's 18 lbs down since September 1st.
WOOHOO!

Good News for the week

• My ring is definitely loose - I shook my hand at work yesterday and it fell off. The bad side of that, of course, is I need to be careful (because it is VERY VERY precious to me), and I need to come up with a way to secure it. I have a couple if ideas...
• When I put on my jeans Saturday (fresh out of the wash), they weren't tight. At all. They fit perfectly. THAT hasn't happened in AGES! *does happy dance*
• And finally - scale read two pounds down this week! YAY! Finally!

Of course, I'd *love* to be at a nice even 230 lbs by November 1st, but I'm not expecting it.

Right now, I'm just happy I'm losing again, no matter how slowly. :D