Woohoo!!

It's finally working!!

It was time. See, when we went shopping to get "funeral appropriate clothing" when my mate's grandmother died...I had to go with a size bigger than I've ever worn before. And my black pants - the ones I bought just a few months ago - were too tight. I couldn't even zip them. *sigh. So I decided I needed to put on the breaks and get things under control. I suspect I really started putting on weight around the time things with our girlfriend started going south - starting in mid-summer, but really ramping up in August and September. And dammit, I was tired of letting that situation control me - it was time to get control of MYSELF.

I didn't make any big announcements or anything - just made a decision, got the materials, started posting on a support area for my intended plan on the low-carb board I've been on forever. And with my mate's full support and encouragement, I took a page from a friend who's lost over 100 lbs in the last year and a half or so...and decided to go with the South Beach Diet.

It's working.

I'm on my 4th week - did 2 weeks of "Phase 1" (which is the more restrictive phase, to get you jump started and curb cravings), and am now in the middle of my 2nd week of phase 2.

I feel better. My face has largely cleared up (always a good sign I'm on the right track with eating healthier). When we were out of town this weekend, I packed the black pants in case I needed more than one pair of jeans, but didn't have a lot of hope that they'd fit - and they DID!

In total - I've lost 12 1/2 lbs since I started on September 28th. I started out at the highest weight I've ever been - 261lbs. I'm now at 248.5, which is back under my previous "highest weight" but not quite down to where I was when I first met 'Yote yet. But I'm getting there (it's not that far away actually). And I'll get the rest off, too.

I have to tell you, the most motivating thing for me - that has worked better than anything else EVAR - has been my mate's encouragement. He's constantly telling me he's proud of me, especially when he notices that I'm making good choices (like when we were at his parents' house this weekend for his birthday, and his mom had ordered pizza - I hadn't eaten before we went and I needed to eat *something*, so I had one piece -just one piece -and he noticed, and mentioned he was proud of me after). Just knowing he notices, just knowing he's proud of me makes me want to keep making him proud of me - it's a really good feeling. :) I'm proud of me too, don't get me wrong - I'm extremely happy with how this is going (and I'm all excited trying new recipes and facing the challenge of out-of-town eating). I'm not feeling deprived, I'm not feeling punished or stuck because I can't have anything...and mostly, I feel in control again. Instead of having food (and food cravings, and the need to "eat my emotions") controlling me - I'm making the decisions, and I'm in control. And I'm extremely proud of that. But having him say it? I can't really describe how much it lifts my spirits and makes me want to succeed even more. (Part of the D/s dynamic between us, and my desire to please him? Maybe.) Just another example of what a miracle he is in my life. :D

So...it's working.
I'm really happy about this!

And today, we start anew

I knew I'd been gaining. The past few months have been so horrifically stressful and painful, I've been comfort eating. Knew it was happening, and just didn't care. Until we went shopping for "funeral appropriate clothing" before heading north last weekend, and I had to buy a size larger than I've *ever* had to buy before.

That was my clue that it's time to put on the breaks, and get control of my life again.

I've been free-falling since July (okay, the end of June really). It's time to stop wallowing in the pain, and start living again. I have a wonderful home, a wonderful mate, wonderful kids, and truly a pretty spectacular life. I can't mourn "what could have been" forever. Time to go back to one of my more powerful mottos - "Enjoy what is."

So, here we go.
I weighed myself when I got up this morning. Yep - my highest weight EVAR at 261lbs.

I have a plan. 'Yote knows my plan, as does a friend at work who's going on the same plan with me (mostly me encouraging her I think, bless her heart). Not anything I've done before, at least not specifically with intent. We'll see how it goes. Meanwhile I also picked up a new copy of one of the bellydance/exercise videos I lost somewhere in the ex's house. And I intend to start walking again.

Next goal? Get the apartment back into some kind of order - I've let things go a bit lately. Okay, *we've* let things go - and I know having a cluttered and messy house doesn't help pull out of depression. And we've both been pretty depressed, for various reasons. Time to take control.

As of today...

I'm in training for the Philadelphia Half Marathon, on November 22.

http://www.prevention.com/cda/categorypage.do?channel=fitness&category=team.prevention.walk.it

I don't have to *actively* start training until August 31, but I'm going to start making changes for healthier eating and getting myself moving leading up to that point. Stay tuned for more updates!

Oh - and being August 1, I weighed in today, just to see where I'm starting out at.

252.5 lbs as of right now.

Still haven't gotten up to my highest ever weight of 255, for which I'm grateful.
Now to make it never get there, or even close again. :)

FWIW...

On Friday, May 1, 2009 - I will weigh myself, and begin again.

Enough wallowing and self-flaggelation.
So I couldn't manage more than 2 whole weeks on Weight Watchers.
Fact is, I've got the tools (and I couldn't afford to keep paying their fees anyway).

Put on your big-girl panties and get over yourself, Euphrates.

If Crystal can do this, you fucking better believe you can, too.
Dammit. *footstomp*

Plan?
Common sense, I guess.

Cut out sugary pop at work (and stay away from the vending machine).
Lots of salads and veggies.
Pay attention to portions (particularly when eating things like pasta).
Choose whole grains over "white carbs"
Drink tons of water.
EXERCISE! Get out walking, if nothing else.

Well...I did it. :)

I just got back from my first Weight Watchers Meeting in 18 years (I was a member twice before...during my last 2 pregnancies...which worked really well to keep me healthy while pregnant, but then I stopped after the babies were born, and...um...yeah...). *sheepish look*

Considering the fact that yesterday all I really wanted to do was lose myself in a package of Double-Stuff Oreos...I'm really proud of myself that I actually went. Here's to the first step towards taking care of *ME* for a change. Now comes the hard part...doing it day by day. But being healthy so I can have a long and happy life with the people I love? (And being able to get pretty clothes and feel good wearing them?) Totally worth it.

Slinks back into the room, tail between legs...

Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. See...I'm not beating myself up. Not *really* anyway. I made a conscious decision to not worry about things over the holidays, so I didn't. Ate what I wanted. Had I at least paid attention to portions, I'd feel better about it, but it is what it is. I've been "off plan" for a while. And re-evaluating.

*sigh*

Part of me says I should just let it go, not worry...my loves love me just as I am, so I should make peace with my body as it is, and get over it. Enjoy life. Take big bites.

And part of me still wants to be able to buy clothes off the rack, and be able to feel good enough about my body to show it off in things from Victoria Secret and wear all those incredibly sexy slinky things that just don't come in my size (and yes, I know there's plenty out there that *is* in my size...but the stuff I like tends to not be included).

The fact is, I should be able to combine the two sides of my brain. Because there's no reason to put off living or being happy with myself until I "do XYZ", whatever XYZ happens to be. But there are self-esteem/body-image/sexual-identity things all tied up in my size and my body that makes it tough.

*heavy sigh*

SO. I'm considering Weight Watchers. I have several friends who are doing really well on it, they have a lower-carb option now (at least they did when I was checking it out last year), I've done it before and it worked for keeping me healthy anyway (in both cases I was pregnant - I stayed healthy and actually lost weight through the pregnancies - meaning I *didn't* gain weight even though the baby was, and trust me, those were BIG babies - but after baby was born I stopped going and stopped taking care of myself, and of course gained it all back and then some). I'd considered doing just the online option last year...but I'm thinking maybe if I go to actual meetings it would be more motivating. So, I'm considering. I found the closest meeting spot, and they have morning meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My loves are willing to eat healthy meals with me (they were AWESOME sports about trying new stuff when I was on plan before, and I definitely find if I can experiment with new recipes I'm more motivated to stay "on plan").

The bigger issue - honestly - is that if I'm going to do this, I need to do it all the way. Make a REAL lifestyle change. Get off the couch (okay...get off the computer chair), and make exercise a part of my daily life. Which I don't know if I can do without some kind of goal like a marathon...but I don't know that I want to commit to something that huge right now. When I was training for Disney, I got to the point where walking was JOY, going to the gym was fun (and meditative), and I felt *fit*(even if I wasn't "thin")...and that's what I want. To feel *fit* again. So I need to make some decisions and make a committment if I'm going to do this. And figure out what I can do that will actually fit with my schedule and lifestyle as it is (because there are things I'm not willing to change...like getting enough time with my loves and my kids).

Pondering is.
Wisdom/advice/thoughts/ideas/feedback actively encouraged (cross-posting to my LJ to make it easier for folks to comment).