Slinks back into the room, tail between legs...

Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. See...I'm not beating myself up. Not *really* anyway. I made a conscious decision to not worry about things over the holidays, so I didn't. Ate what I wanted. Had I at least paid attention to portions, I'd feel better about it, but it is what it is. I've been "off plan" for a while. And re-evaluating.

*sigh*

Part of me says I should just let it go, not worry...my loves love me just as I am, so I should make peace with my body as it is, and get over it. Enjoy life. Take big bites.

And part of me still wants to be able to buy clothes off the rack, and be able to feel good enough about my body to show it off in things from Victoria Secret and wear all those incredibly sexy slinky things that just don't come in my size (and yes, I know there's plenty out there that *is* in my size...but the stuff I like tends to not be included).

The fact is, I should be able to combine the two sides of my brain. Because there's no reason to put off living or being happy with myself until I "do XYZ", whatever XYZ happens to be. But there are self-esteem/body-image/sexual-identity things all tied up in my size and my body that makes it tough.

*heavy sigh*

SO. I'm considering Weight Watchers. I have several friends who are doing really well on it, they have a lower-carb option now (at least they did when I was checking it out last year), I've done it before and it worked for keeping me healthy anyway (in both cases I was pregnant - I stayed healthy and actually lost weight through the pregnancies - meaning I *didn't* gain weight even though the baby was, and trust me, those were BIG babies - but after baby was born I stopped going and stopped taking care of myself, and of course gained it all back and then some). I'd considered doing just the online option last year...but I'm thinking maybe if I go to actual meetings it would be more motivating. So, I'm considering. I found the closest meeting spot, and they have morning meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My loves are willing to eat healthy meals with me (they were AWESOME sports about trying new stuff when I was on plan before, and I definitely find if I can experiment with new recipes I'm more motivated to stay "on plan").

The bigger issue - honestly - is that if I'm going to do this, I need to do it all the way. Make a REAL lifestyle change. Get off the couch (okay...get off the computer chair), and make exercise a part of my daily life. Which I don't know if I can do without some kind of goal like a marathon...but I don't know that I want to commit to something that huge right now. When I was training for Disney, I got to the point where walking was JOY, going to the gym was fun (and meditative), and I felt *fit*(even if I wasn't "thin")...and that's what I want. To feel *fit* again. So I need to make some decisions and make a committment if I'm going to do this. And figure out what I can do that will actually fit with my schedule and lifestyle as it is (because there are things I'm not willing to change...like getting enough time with my loves and my kids).

Pondering is.
Wisdom/advice/thoughts/ideas/feedback actively encouraged (cross-posting to my LJ to make it easier for folks to comment).